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“Ricky’s dead…”

Posted on Friday 31 October 2003

I was just dozing off when I heard her. She was beating on the front door and screaming my name. I jumped out of bed and ran down the hall, then slowed to a walk as I crossed the living room.

Her screams ricochet off the walls around me.

Standing at the door…my eyes drop to the floor, then back to my hand, frozen inches short of the door knob.

(if I don’t open the door, she can’t tell me, and it won’t be true)

But she’s screaming so loud.

(don’t open the door)

(no no no no…Oh God, don’t do this..please…don’t you dare do this to me! do you fucking hear me?!!!!)

I don’t remember turning the knob or opening the door, but I remember screaming, “Noooooooo!!!!!”

I put my hands over my ears and screamed so loud…trying to drown her screams.

(if I can’t hear her it won’t be true…)

But I didn’t need to hear her.

I can see it…on her face, and in her eyes.

“I’m so sorry. Oh God, I’m so sorry….don’t want to be the one to tell you….”

She’s still yelling because I’m still screaming backing away, hands covering my ears.

“Oh God… I’m so sorry, Ricky…bad…wreck….dead…”

“NO! NO! NO, NO, NO, NO!” my fists pound the door behind me as I slide down down down…

I went to the funeral yesterday. They said it was Rick in there. And they keep telling me he’s not coming home. But they don’t know…I don’t know how to breathe without him…I don’t know how to live without him in my life. So I’m here, in our bedroom, and I’m waiting because he’ll be here….he’s always running late. If I stay here in our bedroom, he’ll show up… because he wouldn’t leave me here alone. He loves me, and he loves our little girl, and he wouldn’t miss her first birthday. It’s just like Rick to disappear for a few days, right…? Maybe I’ll call … no…no….don’t think I’ll do that…not yet…

    Scott Daigle
    April 29th, 2005 | 3:06 am

    After reading this feel silent and everything around me is silent. It was like I experienced it too. The sadness the emptiness. Not quite the pain though. It’s not possible to feel it unless you’ve been there.
    What can one say after that? Except, I’m sorry it had to happen to you……….
    It is very humbling.

    May 15th, 2005 | 3:41 pm

    this touched me more than i can say. im so sorry for your loss :(((

    be gentle with yourself hon.


    May 25th, 2005 | 2:25 pm

    I was directed here by Shane. As I have not read any other post, I don’t know how to take this. I don’t believe I have ever been closer to death. I pray the rest of your life overwhelms you with happiness and peace.

    June 4th, 2005 | 6:49 pm

    thank you for letting me into your life and sharing your memories as if they were my own…we always have to remember that God never gives us more than we can handle and the blessings we are given, some never last forever but instills into us that there is happiness and sorrow and we are all a part of life and we each have a role we are given….to give and set good examples for other peoples lives we touch…thanks for your life…and for being you…..God bless you and your child…

    June 9th, 2005 | 8:58 am

    some say words cannot express feelings like this.
    you did.
    and i feel ya.
    sorry honey.

    June 24th, 2005 | 5:40 am


    July 20th, 2005 | 8:20 pm

    I am so sorry for you loss. It is times like that when the only appropriate jester from one human being to another is just a strong embrace of understanding allowing the one who has suffered to feel you arms of consolation wrapped around them……for as long as is needed.

    August 12th, 2005 | 11:12 am

    I am so sorry for your loss! I hope that you are doing well!


    October 19th, 2005 | 8:09 am

    There are times when we are dealt a hand that is more than we can handle, it feels like we’re underwater, our senses are dulled, everything moves in slow-motion, and simple tasks suddenly seem daunting. I wish I had some words of comfort or wisdom, but I don’t. In reality, I don’t think that anyone can really say anything that will make things better. There may be a time when those words might resonate, but in time. I hope you have a support system of those that love you and Rick and can help you move forward.

    And thank you for the comments on my own blog – they were touching. Don’t you dare minimize your own experience. A number of people tried to tell me that there were people that were a lot worse off than myself – like that was supposed to make me feel better??? All we have to base our own rollercoaster of life on, is our own experience. (Whoever said that we are never dealt more than we can handle is full of crap.)


    October 28th, 2005 | 11:55 am

    Im speechless! Ive lost friends, grandparents, and extended family, but i wouldnt dare try to tell you that i understand your loss. The only thing i know to say is, as soon as i read your experience, i said a prayer for you. God bless you in your future.

    November 12th, 2005 | 6:12 pm

    I to have lost my spouse and reading that brings a somber feeling to my heart for you. I was fortunate enough to be there when she passed and left me with 2 wonder children, ages 14 months and 5. I still think of her from time to time wondering if she is watching from above and hoping she can see her 2 beautiful children. I have since remarried to another beautiful woman and have had a set of twins with her. I hope you can find someone that can equal or better your first spouse as mine has.

    November 26th, 2005 | 12:43 am

    I know my sympathy will not cure your pain, nor will it heal your wounds. But I am so sorry.

    December 9th, 2005 | 3:03 am

    I almost cannot breathe after reading this.

    December 10th, 2005 | 7:45 pm

    Excellent writing – hard-edged, no-nonsense and very moving. I’ll be back.

    December 10th, 2005 | 7:49 pm

    I am so so sorry for your loss, especially at this time of the year. My heart goes out to you and I pray you stay safe.

    Kimberly Cope
    December 14th, 2005 | 12:34 pm

    I was directed here, thru a song called ” The way she loves”- I too lost my husband, I know the pain of that moment when they come to your door. The not remembering how or what happens around you, just the feeling of ” this isn’t happening”. My husband lives on thru myself, and our 3 beautiful daughters, when i need him the most, I look into their eyes. My thoughts will be with you always, from this moment on~ KC

    December 15th, 2005 | 10:57 am

    Sad yet powerful. Thanks for being brave enough to display your anguish. At this moment, having read this entry, I find myself very soberly pensive with prayers for you in your grief.

    January 5th, 2006 | 4:16 pm

    my prayers are with you and yours

    February 28th, 2006 | 6:19 pm

    I lost my partner almost two years ago. I do not know how to deal with the loss. I know it takes time, and I hope God will give you the strengh that you will need. my prayers are with you.

    March 7th, 2006 | 1:34 am

    Support, prayers, tears.

    July 20th, 2006 | 7:39 pm

    I was directed here and I am for once at a complete loss for words. I can not imagine what that must have been like but your words were strong enough to give me “some” idea and for that i want to say from the bottom of my heart i am so sorry you had to go through that! i hope you and your daughter are doing well!

    July 28th, 2006 | 8:54 am

    I am sincerly sorry for your loss.

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