Posted on Friday 31 October 2003
I was just dozing off when I heard her. She was beating on the front door and screaming my name. I jumped out of bed and ran down the hall, then slowed to a walk as I crossed the living room.
Her screams ricochet off the walls around me.
Standing at the door…my eyes drop to the floor, then back to my hand, frozen inches short of the door knob.
(if I don’t open the door, she can’t tell me, and it won’t be true)
But she’s screaming so loud.
(don’t open the door)
(no no no no…Oh God, don’t do this..please…don’t you dare do this to me! do you fucking hear me?!!!!)
I don’t remember turning the knob or opening the door, but I remember screaming, “Noooooooo!!!!!”
I put my hands over my ears and screamed so loud…trying to drown her screams.
(if I can’t hear her it won’t be true…)
But I didn’t need to hear her.
I can see it…on her face, and in her eyes.
“I’m so sorry. Oh God, I’m so sorry….don’t want to be the one to tell you….”
She’s still yelling because I’m still screaming backing away, hands covering my ears.
“Oh God… I’m so sorry, Ricky…bad…wreck….dead…”
“NO! NO! NO, NO, NO, NO!” my fists pound the door behind me as I slide down down down…
I went to the funeral yesterday. They said it was Rick in there. And they keep telling me he’s not coming home. But they don’t know…I don’t know how to breathe without him…I don’t know how to live without him in my life. So I’m here, in our bedroom, and I’m waiting because he’ll be here….he’s always running late. If I stay here in our bedroom, he’ll show up… because he wouldn’t leave me here alone. He loves me, and he loves our little girl, and he wouldn’t miss her first birthday. It’s just like Rick to disappear for a few days, right…? Maybe I’ll call … no…no….don’t think I’ll do that…not yet…