Posted on Wednesday 13 July 2005
click to play…..
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
makes a woman crazy. chasing an affair-
hands shaking, left hand scrolling through the call list on his cell phone, right hand jotting numbers on a piece of paper. hurry hurry. click. jump. the bathroom door. i stuffed the latest list of numbers in my pocket just as you walk into the bedroom from your shower.
"be gone long?"
"yeh. no. i don’t know. i’ll call in a little while."
i know where you’re going and who you’ll do when you get there. do you see the man you want to be reflected in her eyes. do you see the devestation in mine?
(insert last opportunity to fight for you, us, our marriage)
(insert missing that last opportunity)
i don’t accuse you because i don’t want to fight with you when you forget to call in a little while. i’ll catch you someday. and i caught you again and again and again. i’m crazy, imagining things you say. must’ve been, the focus shifted from catching you to proving to you that you were having an affair?
you will fuck her and her and her and her times 20. and i will hate her and blame you and never forgive myself. but i will keep loving you. i will cry and beg and yell and scream and talk -and i will die somewhere deep inside everytime i think of your hands on her and her and her and her. and i’ll finally tell you to leave. get the fuck out because i hate you and i wish i was dead. never occurred to me you would take that bet and raise it by one empty bed. i learned the only thing worse than you not being here is you not living here.
divorce i asked you. NO! NOT GETTING DIVORCED. you knew i would sigh in relief because i love you too much. and you knew how to keep me hanging onto maybe. 100 times you call, invite, disappear, forget, ignore, and 1 of those 100 times you would gift me an hour and it will be enough to keep me. i will love you more and more and more and more. i’ll sit on the floor in front of the window staring into the darkness ….waiting for you to come home. and sometimes i will see you drive by. and i will hold my breath and lean forward begging your brake lights to brighten, -a sign you’re turning around.
(breathe)
Very interesting statistics about the pursuits. In my experience (here, in this small town), it’s the same… Most of them run because their driver’s license expired, or they had a previous unpaid ticket. But the simple fact is, once the car is identified, it would be simpler for the officer to stop by their house the next day. Instead, they’re racing through red lights, tearing down these dusty county roads, and putting up “stop sticks.” By the way, they won’t pay for damages if an innocent person drives over the stop sticks. I keep hearing Judge Dread (Sylvester Stallone, from the movie), saying, “I’m not above the law; I AM the law.”
I dont know quite what to say, I lost my best friend Vickie, tonight in a car accident, and although I dont know you personally, you were the only person I thought of that might understand that pain, Then I read this post, and I look back when I did the exact, and I mean exact, same things as you write about. Thinking of the pain of losing my best friend, then the pain of knowing my husband has been touched my another, But him still being on this earth,– I can endure the pain of the affair. I dont know where you get your strength.
((((Cristie))))) hon – i read your comment but didn’t send it through moderation because i felt it might be too personal for you. check your mail – i just sent you an email.