2 With Spirit

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Heather’s entry kicked this entry into motion -

sense of loyalty? duty? vows? self-destructive tendencies? masochist?

was it self-defeating? insanity? love? hate? hope?

probably all of the above and more.

yes, rick cheated on me. no, i never cheated on him.

why did i stand beside-behind-in front of him? because when all the static was stripped away- i love him. and i knew the man i married was still the man i married. he never laid a hand on me but GD he had a way with words that sliced cleaner and deeper than the sharpest razor. though i’m not proud of it- i’m quite adept at it too.

i never asked myself if i should stay or leave- never considered that there was an option. simply because i loved and love him. i did ask him 3 different times if he wanted a divorce. neither of us did. we had no idea how to fix what we’d broken- just had blind faith in the fixing. i’m not saying anyone should stay in a relationship that’s gone bad. every situation is different- some even deadly. this is just about us- our relationship.

i had faith in our love even in it’s darkest hour and those hours -sometimes were so thick with dark we couldn’t breathe. i just never doubted that there was a bottom and eventually our train would crash there. and i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt- when we dug our way out of the wreckage, it would be together- scarred from bloody and broken – but together as one.

because the rest – was just static.