Posted on Tuesday 8 June 2004
click to play…..
Today was the first time I could sit in your room, talk to you, try to understand what happened- how it happened- how the hell we got from where we started to here.
……….this thought in the back of my mind that you might be there, needed you to be there. I sat on your bed for a long time, listening- begging the walls to replay us talking, laughing, loving. I couldn’t stop myself from calling your name- (oh God, please-please let him answer). shhhh………don’t move, afraid the slightest rustle would drown out your voice. I waited and waited – but nothing, only the echo of an empty house. All that was us, what was no more came crashing in around me, inside me. You’re never coming home. Our last moments together- right here in this room reeled through my mind. ….happy, joking, teasing- neither of us aware of what was coming in a few short hours- each tick of the clock carrying us closer to this nothing – this empty, dark house where I scream your name- begging you to answer ……realizing you never will. I didn’t want to leave- I sat there on your bed – tell God and everyone else to fuck off. I’m not going anywhere until you send Rick back to me! and if you won’t send him back then I will stay here until I fade into the darkness. But the longer I sat there- the more awake, more aware I became of the emptiness of your bed, your room, your house – you were everywhere – yet knowing you weren’t and never would be again. Suddenly I couldn’t get out of there fast enough, nor would staying forever be long enough………
driving away I felt it again- barely noticeable, the tiniest hope…. next time, maybe you’ll be there next time.
nice. got to me.