Posted on Monday 3 November 2003
I noticed something different today. I’ve been keeping my head tilted ever so slightly to the right and forward a bit. Like I’m constantly listening for something, or someone… and I catch myself doing things like holding my breath, or touching the tips of my fingers to my thumbs, one at a time while I hold my breath. As though there is a correct combination or sequence of actions that will put everything back like it was.
I went to the place you died tonight. I haven’t been there in a few days. It seemed different tonight. The skid marks from your tires are still there. The places where you bled on the concrete are still covered in gravel. …….so much blood……. oh baby, how did this happen? Why did they do this to you? I want you to come home now. Please? Come home and we’ll forget any of this ever happened. You have to come home… I need to hear you laugh, see your smile, feel your hands on my cheek. Please Rick, I’m tired of waiting on you. I keep telling everyone how the last 3 years my life have been “waiting on Rick to call, waiting on Rick to show up, waiting on Rick, waiting on Rick…” I don’t know how to not wait on you.
I hope you weren’t scared, but you had to be. Did you try to call me when they were chasing you? I know you did. I fell asleep, kicked the phone off the hook. I’m sorry. So so sorry. If I’d answered the phone, I could have talked you into stopping. All this time I’ve had your back. When our world was falling apart, you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I HAVE YOUR BACK. Then I wasn’t there when it counted most. Fuck me- SEE, I told you! No, I didn’t tell you, did I? I thought about telling you, then decided not to because you were so proud of your new little jeep thing…didn’t want to ruin it for you by saying it was a tin can, it’s dangerous. So, I prayed instead. I prayed to the gods and asked them to protect you in it. Then I thought to myself you’d be dead inside of 30 days because of that stupid little truck. Now I hate myself. I should have never thought that. I’m so sorry. I love you baby, you knew that didn’t you?