Posted on Friday 31 October 2003
I was just dozing off when I heard her. She was screaming my name, and beating on the front door and big window. I jumped out of bed and ran down the hall, halfway across the living room, I slowed to a walk. Her screams ricocheted off the walls around me. Standing at the door my eyes dropped to the floor, then back to my hand, frozen inches short of the door knob.
(as long as I didn’t open the door she couldn’t tell me and it wouldn’t be true, right?)
But she was hysterical, and screaming so loud.
(don’t open the door)
No no no no…
(Oh God please – don’t do this – don’t you dare do this to me! Do you fucking hear me?!!!!)
I don’t remember turning the knob or opening the door, but I remember screaming, “Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!” I put my hands over my ears and screamed so loud…trying to drown her screams.
(if I can’t hear her it won’t be true)
But I didn’t need to hear her. I could see it…on her face, and in her eyes.
“I’m so sorry. Oh God, I’m so sorry I have to be the one to tell you this….”
She’s still yelling because I’m still screaming backing away, hands covering my ears.
“Oh God…” she said, ” I’m so sorry, Ricky… dead…”
“NO! NO! NO, NO, NO, NO!”
My fists pounded the door behind me as I slid down down down…
I went to the funeral yesterday. They said it was Rick in there. And they keep telling me he’s not coming home. But they don’t know…I don’t know how to breathe without him…I don’t know how to live without him in my life. So I’m here, in our bedroom, and I’m waiting because he will be here. Rick’s always running late… So if I stay here, in our bedroom, he’ll come… because he wouldn’t leave me here alone. He loves me, and he loves our little girl. And he wouldn’t miss her first birthday. It’s just like Rick to disappear for a few days, right…? Maybe I’ll call him…. no…don’t think I’ll do that…not yet…