Posted on Friday 15 April 2005
October 25, 2003
I was just dozing off when I heard her. She was screaming my name, and beating on the front door and big window. I jumped out of bed and ran down the hall. Halfway across the living room, I slowed to a walk. (don’t open the door). Her screams ricocheted off the walls. I stared at the door… then looked down at the floor. My hand was frozen inches short of the door knob. (don’t open the door). As long as I didn’t open the door she couldn’t tell me and it wouldn’t be true, right? (…just don’t open the door, she’ll have to go away). She was hysterical and screaming so loud. (you’ve got to open the door).
No, no, no, no. Oh God, please, you can’t do this. Don’t you dare do this to me, do you fucking hear me?! I don’t remember turning the knob or opening the door, but I remember screaming,
I put my hands over my ears and screamed, trying to drown her screams. But I didn’t need to hear her, I could see it on her face and in her eyes.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I have to be the one to tell you this,” she’s still yelling because I’m still screaming.
“NOOOOOOO!” I was backing away from her, hands covering my ears.
“Oh God,” she said, ” I’m so sorry, Ricky’s dead!”
“NO! NO! NO, NO, NO, NO!” (if I scream so loud I can’t hear her, it won’t be true).
I’ve been to the funeral home, and I went to the funeral yesterday. And they said it was Rick in there. They keep telling me he’s not coming home. But they don’t know! …they don’t know I don’t know how to breathe without him! I don’t know how to live without him in my life. So, I’m here, in our bedroom, and I’m waiting because he’ll be here. Rick’s always running late, that’s why he’s not here. If I stay here in our bedroom, he’ll show up… because he wouldn’t leave me here alone. He loves me and he loves our little girl. And he wouldn’t miss her first birthday. It’s just like Rick to disappear for a few days, right? He’ll be here. Maybe I’ll call his cell phone….no, don’t think I want to do that , not yet…